being sick is not so nice

im drinking warm apple juice

it tastes not so warm anymore.

but it still tastes okay.

hopefully it has healing powers.

short sweet summary

people might consider me boring because i'm quiet, but it's only because they can't read my mind nor see what i see
i can be pretty naive about what people consider important these days, but then again pretty wise about the irrelevant little things.
art, music, and writing make up life. pretty much.
the way lyrics combine with instruments is phenomenal. the feeling of being part of a song is something i wish i could hold on to forever. as for art, it makes me feel free and full. Whether it's sketching each and every fine line of an eldery woman's face from a magazine page, or stroking acrylic paint into flowers whilst sinking your eyes into that little cherry blossom tree that lies beyond,
the feeling of creating something beautiful is worth more than all the money in the world.
for me art is the closest you'll get to knowing something you've never known before all in one go
i hope to become a true artist someday.

another

i like the feeling you get when taking out a big booger from your nose with a tissue.

..and mom showed up for lunch time and brought me mcdonalds!

i miss the days i used to get surprises.

i wanna be surprised.

in a good way.

or maybe a bad way.

but mostly a good way

nnn

i think i'm obsessed with noses.

something small

i like the noise my dog, tina, makes when she breathes out her nose. it's like a soft whistle.

i'm on another planet with you

i like petting your hair. it's soft. like one of those furry felt weasels that dance when you pet them.

baby we're sinking

your lips.. they kiss mine perfectly.

how do you do what you do

the little mini sharks are eating away at the pit of my stomach

im watching dear john.
romantic movies make no sense without you; they make me ache.
i wish you were near.
i wish you were here.
only 5 more days
until i can clearly see,
because you'll be right next to me,
and then i can fall asleep.
in your arms, under your charms.

maybe i should have rented something else. this makes me miss you even more.
my heart is sore.

i discovered joshua radin plays in this movie. . . . a coincidence?

hi

like grains of white rice,

i'm stuck on you.

you give me vitality.

"you touch my inner smile"

i like your brown eyes

your chubby cheeks

i like you without any tweaks.

i like you with your flaws

if you were a dog,

i'd like your multi-colored paws

you're so damn cute

you'd look good in anything,

not just a suit.

because all i see is your soul

for me it defines you as a whole

and love, even though we may be far,

when i come home, you'll see

that i'll like you just the way you are

and that's the way the cookie crumbles

we're leaving soon.

finally it's happening. in a week hopefully

you didn't write me yesterday. I feel really empty without your words.

i feel like i need them . they give me energy. i don't know if that's such a good sign. probably not.

but i just hope you write me tonight.

it sad that a few lines of writing can make me as happy as they do. but they do.

keep it loose, keep it tight

thankyou for that song

it made me realize that sometimes we forget who we are, and sometimes we forget to appreciate what we have.

it made me realize that i've forgotten to appreciate what i have. i need to love everybody more. i'm not giving them enough. they deserve more.

but that's only because i've forgotten who i am. but i'm slowly becoming me again. you'll see.

you're so wonderful. you make me want to live. really live.

mango peels

dear blog,

my room smells like mango. i don't care. i like mango.
guess what i just saw on letterman. two or 3 men dumped a barrel with a bunch of bouncy balls over the roof and an explosion of colors was created like none i had ever seen before. except in rainbows. i wish i could have been there.

i want colorful bouncy balls to explode all over me.

love,erica

i'm vulnerable, i'm vulnerable, i am not a robot.

i'd rather be with you

say you want the same thing too

living in a dream. walking in between. the sunrise. the sunset.

we are always living in the twilight.

lyrics, oh what you do to me.

you give me emptiness, yet i absorb you like a sponge.

i could listen to music all day. i did yesterday. i feel like i should leave, go somewhere, move, stretch my legs, do something other than what i've been doing for the past few days. but no. i cannot. they won't let me. the thoughts swirling in my head, the feelings tugging at my stomach.

i'm a wreck. it almost feels as though curing my wounded heart is making it worse. but i know that it will be whole again.

i miss you all the time.

even when i talk to you. i just want you to be there with you. so you can hug me, hold me and never let me go.. and so i can rest forever on your shoulder. i think i would i like that.

the closest i feel to home is when i'm talking to you. i don't know what i'll do when your gone. and that scares me. maybe i shouldn't be falling, but i can't help what your doing to me.

i can't help but feel this way.

it's indescribable, but i'll try my best to put myself up to the test.

i'm eating it all up, it's a blueberry muffin

with every breath, i'm taking it all in

my feet are cold, and my heart is throbbing

with every lyric heard, i find myself almost sobbing

but tears of joy, tears of hope, tears of wonder, they are

i no longer feel dense,

instead i feel free.

when i'm with you, it all makes sense

with every word, you put life back into my body,

i feel like you could be the one to save me.

save me from all the rest.

i may no longer know what's real or fake

but i'd rather be here than be awake.

black sheep on sesame street.

internet went and came, it will probably soon be gone again,

for the last few days there has been a thunderstorm a brewing

but i'm here on my bed with the freshly covered in the scent of soap. Pure mexican bath water is drenching my hair; the jet black cylindrical filaments are braided messily to the side.

The pit of my stomach is erking me again. it's uncomfortable; follows me everywhere.

i can't control it; well maybe i can. i just need to take those gotitas de flor, that the kind young doctor gave me and i should be okay.

i should be okay. i hope to be better than okay. i just need to take the first step., but i'm scared.

i've always been a scaredy cat, always been afraid of every little thing, even of the black sheep on sesame street. sounds racist, but don't take it the wrong way.

take it in the way that i shouldn't be scared of such an innocent sheep, that the sheep was actually really kind and i never gave it a chance. i never gave any thing a chance, when everything in front of me was good all along. and that's where my problem started, and has haunted me until this day.

even though i'm in the victim in this scenario, i'm also the bad guy. or bad girl. however you'd say it.

but i just don't know how to go from here. not in this same situation. it's just the same thing over and over again. the doctor tells me the same. a little of what he says helps me but most of it does not. but i guess you have to do a lot in order to get a little. maybe i should learn to learn that.

(Half and hour later):

i just had my gotitas, and they were yummy. and my sandwhich was yummy and i danced, and the bad feeling is gone. almost. because your words came into my head as loud as the brightest red i've ever seen

today was a good day

kindaof

well i did a lot of exercise downstairs to a kellog's zumba cd we borrowed from an old neighbor.

It works pretty well. i felt much better about myself once i finished.

What else did i do? well.... i ate some grilled chicken with lentils and rice which was really tasty :)

and i listened to music on my dad's ipod with the loud speaker.

I just recently finished taking my pills and watching eclipse. I really liked it, despite it being a bamba mexican movie. I think it was the better one out of all the movies.

Umm.. then i saw cute old tina sleeping on the couch. Tina is the cutest of all the dogs I think.

I woke her up though, as i took some pictures of her sleeping.

I'm feeling a bit better today. this weekend has been a step in the right direction.

However, i can't help but still feel the bit of eagerness to get home.

dear diary,

where am i.

where am i

how did it get to this point

how did i get here

i don't want to be the center of attention any more.

not like this.

when did i cross over to the negative state of being

it's uncomfortable, its unhealthy, and it will ultimately lead to nothing, nowhere

i'm in a blank world, with a blank sky, blank horizon, it's all white

i can't feel anything other than the feeling of being here.

someone get me out. i want to get out, i want to not be this person. i want to be me

i want to forget, i want to love life again

please

save me from myself

love,

erica

note to self, i can't ever forget this

you can tell me what to do, but you can't tell me how to feel.

you can criticize my looks, you can stare me down with your big eyes from head to toe, causing me to cry, but you can't read what i'm feeling inside. you can't tell me what i'm feeling.

i may not know much, but i do know what i feel. maybe more than anyone does. I'm starting to realize that i know myself more than anyone else does, but right now i can't feel it, because right now I'm hiding. Because i'm depressed. Because i've found out people lie to each other. Even the ones that you thought were closest to you. but i don't. i never have. and i know secretly that no one will ever be the same as me. and that's what makes me sad. I may doubt myself a lot about things, and I may be out of touch with some of my thoughts, but at least i'm in touch with my feelings. I've never been or will ever be someone that will fall under a stereotype. Don't ever forget it. I don't believe in them. you can't judge me, because I'll never fit under anything you say. i'll never fit under one thing, under one title. i'm not like you. i'm like me. And if you look more closely at yourself you'll see that you're no one. and that you blend in with everyone else. i don't because i'm someone. And that's our only difference. i think i've been denying the fact that i don't know who i am, because it's hard to be completely honest in this world, because there's so few of us left. But one day i'll find a man who is completely honest too. and after that i couldn't be any happier. or maybe i've already found him.. i'm hoping i did. he's what is keeping me going, at least for now. ( looking back, i don't think i had found him then)

ill soon get out of this, i'll soon look at this as a really positive thing. i can't let people intimidate me, i can't let peoples jealousy get in the midst of my own values, i can't let them crush me, crumble me to the floor. they don't know me!! this is crazy that little things affect me so much. But I've always been like that. I've always fed on what people say, and it's time to grow out of that habit. this is a stepping stone, it's something that's meant to help me learn. i'll see :)

i don't have to fight it. nothing works that way. i want to be happy. and i'm going to expose it all the time no matter what. i'm going to smile because i want to, even if its about nothing at all. i need to start looking on myself in the positive way, i need to start coming out of my shell and screaming at the top of my lungs in joy that i'm no one will ever ever get to speak for myself or say who I am. even though most of me has withered away with my motivation, the strongest part of me is still here. the strongest part, and the true part, the part everyone has always known and loved, is still there. and that's the part that defines me, and that won't be able to define anyone else ever.

note in the note to self: don't listen to mom, do my own thing. but don't get mad at her either. embrace her, but still ignore her. i need to fend for myself. but still be happy. don't take things too seriously!!!!! laugh!!! be happy!! don't let people know your sad if you are.

smile. i love to smile. i need to smile. i'm the only one that can get me out of this. i think writing will help. i don't need a counselor, they really really haven't a clue

i know they're trying to help me. but in the end it's really just me helping me.

how could you do it

The beginning of the end

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that you can’t fall for something someone says. you can't take anything anyone says too seriously. because then you might start thinking it and believing it.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are, or what’s wrong with you, because then you might start thinking something actually IS wrong with you. And then something really WILL be wrong with you.

If you’re having trouble believing me, if you’re doubting who I am , then I don’t think I even know who you are anymore. If you don't have faith in me, I won't have faith in you. And that's where it ends. it's really that simple. too bad you can't see it, because you're too busy looking at me, instead of looking at yourself.

the end of the end.

i'm going back to the start

i look chinese when i cry,
so i look chinese half the time, but don't get scared

i'm a whirlwind, a colorwheel of emotions, but don't get scared

i'm everything you're not, but don't get scared

because i'll love you with everything i've got
because i'm finally starting to love myself

and maybe you helped,
because you were still there when i didn't
and all of me was hidden

at every occasion i'll be ready for a funeral. let's do something about this.

maybe. i don't know. it's hard to say what we feel ..and to say that what we feel is the same as what someone else feels.
there's too much pressure everywhere. everything is getting worse. and people are taking the pressure and feeding on it. instead of ignoring it, and breaking it away softly and calmly. we are strong enough. we just don't know it. but i want everyone to know it. i want someone to tell me i'm strong enough. and i want to tell everyone that they're strong enough to go a different way. a better way.
how can people be so mean, and so heartless. it's like we've forgotten to feel before we act.
no one sees anymore that what they do usually always affects someone, and that someone goes and does something to another person, and that person does something to the next, and it comes back and everyone is in a bad mood. it's a vicious circle. this world is becoming ruder, louder, more competitive, violent, and horrible. and it's all our own faults. responding to it in a negative way only adds to the problem. things like 'violence is not the answer' and 'all you need is love' aren't just said for show. they are said because it's true. i have observed people all my life, and their actions have finally lead me to this sad realization. when i say people, i mean me too. but at least i admit it. and atleast i don't try to deny it. but i don't try to fight it either. and i think it's about time we should try to fight it. i mean in a positive way. someone needs to be strong. being emotionally strong is not using all your anger towards something. being emotionally strong is being the bigger person, being so above it all, that you use all that's in your heart in every day, even if in the end you don't get anything back at all at the instant.
being emotionally strong is being patient, because even when you don't get anything back at the moment, you will eventually.
being emotionally strong is being willing, to try new things that you would never try, because you might just see that there's so much more that you never knew, and so much that we need to try and overcome so we can help ourselves and everyone else

these words might seem exaggerated, they might seem hilarious, like something you read straight out of a weird book, or some doctor phil thing, and it might seem like something you don't want to believe. it might seem like something you want to easily ignore and something that wouldn't apply to you. but of course it applies to you. it applies to everyone.
this world is crumbling down, because we have lost how to feel, because we're too weak in a way that we're too scared to be ourselves or to be different if doesn't look 'cool' we're all scared of being made fun of
all of this is a sad truth. but what's even more sad is that when it comes down to it, most of us are too scared to admit it

these words could be meaningless to you because you have not experienced what i have. But believe me you will. and when you do, you'll wish you would have tried to do something sooner.
the littlest thing can always help. the littlest thing always makes a difference

we're all lost. so let's be lost together. and maybe we can find our way home.

maybe i just miss that,.. or maybe we all miss that.

i miss the days when people used to be humble. so what happened there? my fault. your fault. our own faults. i'll admit it, but if you keep denying it, nothing will ever get better... and i'm sick of acting 'humble' when everyone else shows that they are overly confident. even when they aren't. and i'm really tired. of seeming like i'm not taking myself seriously enough.. but im just letting things be. not criticizing your every word. and not being overly excited. maybe i come off as boring. but maybe its for your advantage. maybe i'm just being nice. maybe i'm being too nice.

or maybe those days never existed.
existing or not, either way i would like to steer my way back there. even if "there" is just a 'figment of my imagination' or pigment like i used to say. i just am reluctant to believe that overconfidence is secretly attractive to us human beings, i want to deny that that's what we all want to aim for.
i want to deny it, but somehow the truth of the whole thing is splurging out like a roll of belly fat from some worn out blue jeans right in front of the mirror.

so how can i change it. when can i change it. i'm ready world but i can't fight you
just no more messing around. no more weakness. no more getting sucked in. i'm not that. i'm honest and i'm me. and even though i don't know who me is , i know me enough to know that i'm not you, so i won't give in to your lies
even if it means i'll have days where i would like to drown in my own sorrow like french fries soaked up in ketchup
even if it means that only i know that what i'm crying for is something greater than me.
i'll have to take them, it's a part of it. but i can't lose focus.
it's time to make it happen. we know the drill. let's just get something started
let's start taking ourselves a little more serious.
let's start taking ourselves a little less serious.

we're overdoing it. we're over-thinking it. let's just relax and let it be
without getting lazy. it's possible. it's completely possible. it's not that hard. it's easier than we know

i need to get on a diet.
NOW
STARTING NOW BEFORE THINGS GET WORSE
i need it really really bad.

I really can't gain anymore. And it won't be hard. i eat a lot of times things i don't even want to eat. I just can't have any snacks. I have to limit myself to not eat seconds.
I don't need it. Just drink a lot of water and fruits.

I'm going to start. Tomorrow. THIS IS FOR REALS!!!!!!!!!! AND IF I DON"T I SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED AND LOOK BACK AT THIS. and GET WITH THE PROGRAM

Seriously, i can't let myself get lazy. I have to do something about it. IT isn't good.
I need to get back to how i was. I need to get back to the startttttt physically. not

the indescribable is the most beautiful

some things aren't meant to be explained
some things can't be explained

like art. that's why i could never work in an art museum. even though i probably would be good at it, it would go against my view. and that's not what i'm about. i can't share facts about art , because facts and art don't mix
it ruins the beauty. The beauty of art, is why it exists. And the beauty is that you can think whatever you want to think about any piece you wish to think about, and the possibilities are endless. It let's you dream a little.

blue monday

I don't know why i feel this about you. I don't know how i can. It's crazy to feel something so out of the blue, out of the nowhere, out of the cloudy confused sky out from deep in. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I've just been here for too long, maybe i just need some love. But why him? out of all people
I never felt anything towards him from the beginning. Why would this weird feeling hit me at such an unpredictable time. Maybe it does mean something.
I've always known who i would fall in love with or like; maybe because i've made myself fall in love. With the person who i wanted to see. So it was predictable. I made him up in my head, I dreamed him. And i kept grasping on to the notion that it was him who i was falling in love with in real life.

And maybe it's no different here. But if it's no different why does it feel different. Why can't i stop it?
I need to try and stop it. Try to test it. If i only could talk to you.. only find a way to try and spend time with you
BUt im shy. I wish i weren't. i wish i could find the exact words to say something to you
Maybe you're shy too. Maybe you're scared to say something to me too.
WHY AM I SHY THOUGH???????????????? gahhasljf this is frustrating me. especially because i'm not supposed to be this shy anymore. i'm supposed to be over that a long time ago.
in fact i was probably supposed to be over all this a long long time ago.
I guess i'm still a kid. And i'm thankful for it. But sometime i wish i could cut some of these parts out.
Even though this feeling (whatever it is) feels really nice and warm and everything i want to feel, it's going to pop soon
whether i like it or not. either that or drift away.. But i'd rather have it end in a pop
and the pop will probably be me realizing that he definately did not deserve close to any of all those daydreams or real dreams i had of him
or with me realizing that he is actually quite cute, but that we'll never be more than friends
I need the pop to happen soon though, because i Feel i'm wasting away time in a very sillly way
thinking about someone who probably isn't thinking about me
I don't really know what i want now. That's part of the problem.

Maybe i just want to get to know you.
There are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how.

do you realize, we're floating in space

i don't know what this is
it feels like a familiar feeling. a comfortable one.
but maybe it's dangerous and i can't sense it yet
but right now it feels fine, and feels like i've been in this pit before
ive been here before
it never really ends well, but its nice while it lasts
i dont know

we really never know anything for certain
only of what we feel in the moment
and that's the only time when we're truly living

so why should i ruin it with thinking.
why should i think about it. i'll just let it be. and let it out when i have the opportunity
when the time's right

but in the meantime almost the only thing on my mind is him
i want to expresss all of this music all the butterflies all the expanding happy stomache sinking feeling with him
i want him to know, without words

what a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you

graaaaaaaalj; it's so unexpected. i never thought i would feel this for someone like this
im scared that what i saw in him, was someone else.
and if it wasn't, then i want to get to know him more
pleaseeeeeeeeee i really need to

are you not the slightest bit confused, just the truth

i found myself in wonderland

fake tans make my head hurt. no sratch that, fake anything makes my head head hurt.. i feel like i'm in a dream and can't wake up. i'm so tired of it all. my brain's exhausted.. i wish we lived in a world with almost no fear.. my jumbled up thoughts are becoming more jumbled up by the moment, i feel like there's no use speaking., it won't change. so i'll remain silent.. and melt .. and watch life go by as lifeless as it possibly can be. i don't know if i can remain following the casual normal lifestyle any longer, not when i've seen the something else, not when i know there's more than what i'm seeing
not when i have felt things i've never thought i would
it's not in the pages for me. but i'm too naive to be confident, therefore being too shy to take a stand, not to mention too young to do anything completely on my own, and too small to make a difference.
If i believed in myself more, i could do anything.
but i don't, so this is where i'm stuck. in time, in this place that remains unreal, with me as the only one seemingly lost and bewildered, except no one can see. no one can notice, but me.

i feel like maybe i've sucked up all the feelings in part of the world by accident. i'm about to burst, when can i give some back to all of you unemotional people..or people who just live for just one feeling, the feeling of excitement and that's it.

we don't appreciate the present time properly. we don't do all that we want to do. we cut ourselves short.
i say we, because i mean me, along with most of everyone else in this world.

too many feelings for such a tiny girl.. i don't know if i can handle it all. i feel priviledged but at the same time, i don't think i'm the right one

the past is more interesting than the present, let's make the present more interesting than the past.

i think sometimes being in sad mood is beneficial. so that we can see and feel something different than what we've been used to. so that we don't get too lazy and comfortable with one thing.
because life's not all about fun. life's not all about the obvious. it's about seeing and finding your own treasures, that aren't treasures to anyone else.
the little things.
i think the little things will always be the answer to everything.

if the world stopped spinning would you notice

IM SO ANGRY

I DONT KNOW WHY
I Just really really feel like i want to pinch the whole world to wake up from this day dream

I may be dreaming all day, but atleast its about the truth. Everyone else fucking lives in a dream of pretend.. a bad one a nightmare that they can't wake up from.

We need to wake them up because while they've been sleeping, the fires been getting hotter, and suddenly hell doesn't seem like such a bad thing anymore to go
When our poor beautiful world has turned upsidedown with no one looking up to the stars
no one looking out in a different direction
everyone the same
everyone following
befriending the unknown but never knowing more than a name, more than looks

I just wish people would just show me what they want me to see, Show me what i cannot show them right away
go past their fear and try something out of the blue out of the ordinary, something short.. something ugly, something unimportant, anything, as long as its from heart
i'll take it

I wish i could show people what i want them to see, and i would. but would they listen?
no. not even my close close friends listen entirely to what i have to say
they get tired
and i of them sometimes

people have forgotten how to feel
knowledge has taken it up taken over their heads .. they have forgotten how good it feels to feel something completely, not just a taste of it
they have forgotten to let go of being scared
i'm scared., but atleast i haven't forgotten. i am just starting to completely realize this whole thing for the first time
but for the people that have forgotten, it might as well be considered a sin. at least it is in my book. to withhold society of the pure beauty within themselves? to withhold them of what you think will only break them? just because of you? you gotta think past yourself sometimes. even if you don't know exactly why or what you're doing it for.
and perhaps there are some people that haven't realized it yet, like i hadn't before, but they will in short time. i want them to.. and when they do, maybe they'll feel the same apprehension, the same anxiety building up in their blood in their throat, the same pollution of thoughts streaming and fogging up their head causing it to explode like i do now...
because.. because they feel they cannot do anything
nothing to help
but want to so much with every beat every pulse of their heart squeezed up like a huge amount of something inside themselves

i want to help i want to do something i want to get what i came for to get what i live for, to get what i deserve
we all deserve something. something more than what we're getting.

DADADANANDADADARHADDANANADA.
danadandadadarara
dadadadadadadadadadada
sound of music

There's a lot of little things that bother me and I've finally realized what it all boils down to -

I'm stuck in time. I want to be free from the adolescent stage

I have noticed my brother has recently become free. Frankly, I'm a little jealous
I kinda long to be in my 20s

But my first choice without a doubt would be to go back to the 1990's, but that's a wish that seems like it could take a bit more time to grant

i wanna find someone who can see right through me
i have yet to find him.
I need you though, where are you?

i want to be able to say 'where have you been all my life' to him

it's sad to say that i'm in love with someone who i haven't met yet. yeah it might be sad, it might be that, but atleast its also the truth.

i dont know how its possible to feel so many feelings in a short period of time.
i have felt a new feeling today.

and i think its amazing how much you can feel when you have nothing to do.
and its sad to have other things distract and therefore prevent you from seeing it
and even though they make you feel good for that time, it's not real,. because in the end what you had underneath, is what you were all along
and if you dont see yourself in that light, in my opinion all the living you had done, had been for nothing.


i think the words 'exchange student' are taken too literally.
we're not just students of school. we're students of life.
and we can't just be kept in one area.
it ruins us.
it's like clipping a birds wings and keeping it in a cage. i'm sure it would have lived longer outdoors.

things are far too clear now. it's more obvious than the obvious. and it was there all along.
we limit ourselves too much. we take the least, when we should really have the most.

saturday surprise

today i'm gonna prepare some mean beef burritos for my fake family. and some guacamole.

Hope they enjoy them!
: )

and if it comes out tasting like feet, i'll eat it anyway

im kinda excited for the outcome.

because you're always in the right places.

i've been gone to thinking, past thinking, now feeling. feeling scared. but alright.

feeling is better than thinking
thinking ruins your actions. feelings are pure, before they get transferred as thoughts

maybe innocence and naivete is better after all.
maybe that's why babies always smile at me. they can feel how much i admire them, how much i might be like them
in the victorian age the child was considered to be the ideal figure, ..the second i heard this in english class, this eery feeling instantly swept my mind.. like as if i shouldve lived in that period instead of this one


erase and rewind because i've been changing my mind............um mm umm mm





i think i like the past better than the present. i love old songs, memories, feelings, people
but i want to like the present better than the past.

i just saw the best vision ever, ... it was like a dream, except i was awake
and my favorite part of the day

and my favorite time of the night


music can make you do anything
it's unbelievable

you can't have a cake and eat it too

i'm starting to get it right. little bit by little bit.
I don't have much patience, but that doesn't mean i can't gain more.
i gotta give it timee, give it a try.

i'm starting to get back there again. i can't just start, i gotta get there all the way. i need to. I need to get back there
i know it'll be lilac and pastel by the end
and i won't want to ever let that go. but by the end you always have to let something go.
and it's usually the something you just got, that you never had, and always wanted.

late thoughts for the brain, are like prunes for the stomach

I should be going to bed. i should i should.
i don't want to. the anticipation of day, and the lengthing of the night, is like a brink of life to what's beyond that. It's exciting, its a little tiring, but its clear. And amongst all the tired muscles in your face, tired bones in your body, you're mind is awake. It seems like all your thoughts that have been stirring inside, can finally come out where it belongs. no more hiding. It's here, it's now, its pure, its what we're made of.
It's the truth. And it feels good. I don't wanna leave this state. Not just yet. i don't wanna go to bed

"Because i see sunlight in your eyes"
sometimes as i hear some tune, i feel a little choke in my throat, as if im holding back tears of some kind, not of grief, but some new sort of wonderful emotion. happiness mixed in with bits and tidbits of enlightment and surprise. maybe it is love.
and then the memory follows, as quick as my body reacted, as quick as that little drum beat, that little melody that you feel you know so well comes into play
but what if the same thing occurs but with a tune i have never heard before? and what if the memory never comes? its strange, but yet i find myself still smiling, tears rolling down my cheeks, swamped in my own over sensitivity, possibly. but maybe its something beyond sensitivity. it's something that's meant to be, that will make me see, something i had not seen before
one day i'll understand

for now its beautiful , and i dont want the rush to ever leave