Just

Read over some of my old blog posts from forever ago. So sad. No not even sad, just horribly depressing. That's the problem. I focus too much on the negative and on myself.
I think that's why I stopped writing.

You know the thing on my profile: "I can look through anyone but me." But maybe I'm looking where I'm not supposed to look. Maybe I should stop looking at myself and start looking at the world in its entirety. For it is a beautiful world. I'm just somebody small whos barely living in it after all.


Maybe this statement should make me feel sad . but it doesn't. In this moment it makes me feel calm.  I don't want to be big, I don't want to have power. I want to just be small. And let that be good enough.

11:25 P.M. at night
I'm laying in bed with my lights off about to go to sleep.
Gabrel knocks on my door.
Gabrel asks if i "have a small mirror"
I say 'i think i have a small one over on that wall.'
Gabrel takes my small mirror hanging up on my wall for his self portrait art project and leaves.

i fly through the drizzling rain and the mucky clouds in hopes that i'll find some light

i want a man like cameron mitchell or chris martin

only because they have such beautiful souls. (a coincidence that their first and last names start with the same letter? maybe not. maybe only the good men start with c's and m's)

someday i hope to find a kind hearted man. a true individual. whos not afraid of vulnerability

who will help me get through every day with a smile on my face

someone who can teach me how to dare , how to fly.. how to love.

where it ends

i hate my mom.
i hate her.
but i hate myself even more.

i just wanna die.

i dont deserve to be here anymore. i never did.

last straw

im so pissed off right now. REALLY REALLY pissed off.

i want to punch someone in the face. i want to yell and scream. i want to cuss at someone.

why? because i realized i'm not good at anything. and i can't take it anymore. and i hate the fact that i feel sorry for myself about that all the time. so instead of being sad, im going to channel that energy into anger. im going to toughen up and be a bitch. all my life ive been nice. too nice. so now its my time to be bad. i deserve it. and that means no more crying, no more whining. im going to do whatever i want whenever i want. im not gonna hold anything back anymore. im going to say how i feel and those who don't want to hear can suck it up

.. and the fish swam deep into the sea, as blue as can be

i want to go back to the year 1998, when i turned 7 years old.
and stay there

forever.

i don't want to be old i decided. i dont wanna grow up. i don't wanna be a teenager, i dont wanna be in my twenties, in my fourties, in my sixties
i want to be a kid.
just a kid.
an innocent,
naive,
lively,
kid.

f this

life loses its beauty when it's on display for everyone to see.

i don't want everyone to know what my life is about through writing and photographs.

because these things only high light the parts of your life that you want to project, that you want to be, that you wish you were, but aren't. facebook underrates it, overates it. it doesn't do your life any justice.

and this isn't just facebook. its the whole media.

everyone's life should be seen for what it is: raw and real and unrefined

i don't want the art to be sucked out of my life, please.

because then it wouldn't be worth living