today was a good day

kindaof

well i did a lot of exercise downstairs to a kellog's zumba cd we borrowed from an old neighbor.

It works pretty well. i felt much better about myself once i finished.

What else did i do? well.... i ate some grilled chicken with lentils and rice which was really tasty :)

and i listened to music on my dad's ipod with the loud speaker.

I just recently finished taking my pills and watching eclipse. I really liked it, despite it being a bamba mexican movie. I think it was the better one out of all the movies.

Umm.. then i saw cute old tina sleeping on the couch. Tina is the cutest of all the dogs I think.

I woke her up though, as i took some pictures of her sleeping.

I'm feeling a bit better today. this weekend has been a step in the right direction.

However, i can't help but still feel the bit of eagerness to get home.

dear diary,

where am i.

where am i

how did it get to this point

how did i get here

i don't want to be the center of attention any more.

not like this.

when did i cross over to the negative state of being

it's uncomfortable, its unhealthy, and it will ultimately lead to nothing, nowhere

i'm in a blank world, with a blank sky, blank horizon, it's all white

i can't feel anything other than the feeling of being here.

someone get me out. i want to get out, i want to not be this person. i want to be me

i want to forget, i want to love life again

please

save me from myself

love,

erica

note to self, i can't ever forget this

you can tell me what to do, but you can't tell me how to feel.

you can criticize my looks, you can stare me down with your big eyes from head to toe, causing me to cry, but you can't read what i'm feeling inside. you can't tell me what i'm feeling.

i may not know much, but i do know what i feel. maybe more than anyone does. I'm starting to realize that i know myself more than anyone else does, but right now i can't feel it, because right now I'm hiding. Because i'm depressed. Because i've found out people lie to each other. Even the ones that you thought were closest to you. but i don't. i never have. and i know secretly that no one will ever be the same as me. and that's what makes me sad. I may doubt myself a lot about things, and I may be out of touch with some of my thoughts, but at least i'm in touch with my feelings. I've never been or will ever be someone that will fall under a stereotype. Don't ever forget it. I don't believe in them. you can't judge me, because I'll never fit under anything you say. i'll never fit under one thing, under one title. i'm not like you. i'm like me. And if you look more closely at yourself you'll see that you're no one. and that you blend in with everyone else. i don't because i'm someone. And that's our only difference. i think i've been denying the fact that i don't know who i am, because it's hard to be completely honest in this world, because there's so few of us left. But one day i'll find a man who is completely honest too. and after that i couldn't be any happier. or maybe i've already found him.. i'm hoping i did. he's what is keeping me going, at least for now. ( looking back, i don't think i had found him then)

ill soon get out of this, i'll soon look at this as a really positive thing. i can't let people intimidate me, i can't let peoples jealousy get in the midst of my own values, i can't let them crush me, crumble me to the floor. they don't know me!! this is crazy that little things affect me so much. But I've always been like that. I've always fed on what people say, and it's time to grow out of that habit. this is a stepping stone, it's something that's meant to help me learn. i'll see :)

i don't have to fight it. nothing works that way. i want to be happy. and i'm going to expose it all the time no matter what. i'm going to smile because i want to, even if its about nothing at all. i need to start looking on myself in the positive way, i need to start coming out of my shell and screaming at the top of my lungs in joy that i'm no one will ever ever get to speak for myself or say who I am. even though most of me has withered away with my motivation, the strongest part of me is still here. the strongest part, and the true part, the part everyone has always known and loved, is still there. and that's the part that defines me, and that won't be able to define anyone else ever.

note in the note to self: don't listen to mom, do my own thing. but don't get mad at her either. embrace her, but still ignore her. i need to fend for myself. but still be happy. don't take things too seriously!!!!! laugh!!! be happy!! don't let people know your sad if you are.

smile. i love to smile. i need to smile. i'm the only one that can get me out of this. i think writing will help. i don't need a counselor, they really really haven't a clue

i know they're trying to help me. but in the end it's really just me helping me.

how could you do it

The beginning of the end

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that you can’t fall for something someone says. you can't take anything anyone says too seriously. because then you might start thinking it and believing it.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are, or what’s wrong with you, because then you might start thinking something actually IS wrong with you. And then something really WILL be wrong with you.

If you’re having trouble believing me, if you’re doubting who I am , then I don’t think I even know who you are anymore. If you don't have faith in me, I won't have faith in you. And that's where it ends. it's really that simple. too bad you can't see it, because you're too busy looking at me, instead of looking at yourself.

the end of the end.

i'm going back to the start

i look chinese when i cry,
so i look chinese half the time, but don't get scared

i'm a whirlwind, a colorwheel of emotions, but don't get scared

i'm everything you're not, but don't get scared

because i'll love you with everything i've got
because i'm finally starting to love myself

and maybe you helped,
because you were still there when i didn't
and all of me was hidden

at every occasion i'll be ready for a funeral. let's do something about this.

maybe. i don't know. it's hard to say what we feel ..and to say that what we feel is the same as what someone else feels.
there's too much pressure everywhere. everything is getting worse. and people are taking the pressure and feeding on it. instead of ignoring it, and breaking it away softly and calmly. we are strong enough. we just don't know it. but i want everyone to know it. i want someone to tell me i'm strong enough. and i want to tell everyone that they're strong enough to go a different way. a better way.
how can people be so mean, and so heartless. it's like we've forgotten to feel before we act.
no one sees anymore that what they do usually always affects someone, and that someone goes and does something to another person, and that person does something to the next, and it comes back and everyone is in a bad mood. it's a vicious circle. this world is becoming ruder, louder, more competitive, violent, and horrible. and it's all our own faults. responding to it in a negative way only adds to the problem. things like 'violence is not the answer' and 'all you need is love' aren't just said for show. they are said because it's true. i have observed people all my life, and their actions have finally lead me to this sad realization. when i say people, i mean me too. but at least i admit it. and atleast i don't try to deny it. but i don't try to fight it either. and i think it's about time we should try to fight it. i mean in a positive way. someone needs to be strong. being emotionally strong is not using all your anger towards something. being emotionally strong is being the bigger person, being so above it all, that you use all that's in your heart in every day, even if in the end you don't get anything back at all at the instant.
being emotionally strong is being patient, because even when you don't get anything back at the moment, you will eventually.
being emotionally strong is being willing, to try new things that you would never try, because you might just see that there's so much more that you never knew, and so much that we need to try and overcome so we can help ourselves and everyone else

these words might seem exaggerated, they might seem hilarious, like something you read straight out of a weird book, or some doctor phil thing, and it might seem like something you don't want to believe. it might seem like something you want to easily ignore and something that wouldn't apply to you. but of course it applies to you. it applies to everyone.
this world is crumbling down, because we have lost how to feel, because we're too weak in a way that we're too scared to be ourselves or to be different if doesn't look 'cool' we're all scared of being made fun of
all of this is a sad truth. but what's even more sad is that when it comes down to it, most of us are too scared to admit it

these words could be meaningless to you because you have not experienced what i have. But believe me you will. and when you do, you'll wish you would have tried to do something sooner.
the littlest thing can always help. the littlest thing always makes a difference

we're all lost. so let's be lost together. and maybe we can find our way home.