i
m
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she's not afraid of making a mistake. if you fail that means you win because you tried you're hardest.
and right now although the rest of the world might not be with her she's winning.

if only the rest of the world could be like that. but no, we're too scared of going outside the lines.
i have respect for someone who is living to their full potential; i envy them, but not in a bad way in a way that gives me hope that one day i too will be fearless and live to my full potential.

dear whoever,
i had a dream about ansel again last night.
i wonder if he's the same in real life as he is in my dreams.
the dream went like this: ansel asked if i would go out with a friend of his.i said yes and he gave me tips like in "friennd zone" the show on mtv that i sadly have watched and liked. at the end of the few days we had to prepare and after my date with his friend he told me he was in love with me.
if only things like this really happened
i wonder f ill ever be that happy

its really depressing to read all of these
geez.
sneese. sneese? sneeze.
i think thats right because theres no red squiggly line under it.

maybe being under it is good

just now i figured out that i don't know anything about anything.
took me 24 years to find out.
it could be worse no? no.

i miss you.

today i did something that was thrilling
i felt like i couldn't do it, so i did it.


i feel like i can't do many things, and so i don't.

but i'm starting to feel like i should.

opposite action.

rain slowly falling softly hitting the ground
and all of a sudden nothing
its all gone

i think i understand now why i can't choose
because when i'm feeling good i want to do everything
and when i'm feeling bad i want to do nothing

ooo wooo oo.
what happened? today was a day just like most of them. i probably won't remember in a couple days what happened today. unless i do this:

got up brushed my teef ate cereal zee ol raisin bran cept it had cranberries too and yogurt raisins and it wasn't called raisin bran. then went and had fast food what a bad bad decision. but hey sometimes i feel like a bad girl. i've been feeling that way a lot more recently. taking extra donuts at the super market for half the price. then i went to the cet meeting with my personal coach and we answered a couple homework questions like we will be doing for the next year i think. then i went to the library and rented a buncha movies music and magazines but no books ironically. then i came back home looked at a couple magazines boiled water for green beans went to the gym fell in love went to the grocery store pharmacy to get my synthroid and they said i had to pay and had no insurance so i went home again and ate ribs with my family.

right now im listening to lord huron.

i don't know but at least i know that i don't know.
that makes it better right? no, because i haven't done anything to change it.

today i went to see mallory my CET coach. she told me what i missed in tuesday's class.
then i went and got food at mcdonalds. i shouldn't have but i just couldn't resist.
thats probably why i'm fat. so there's a slight chance it could be because of something else.
anyway, then i went and met with julie, my therapist.
then i went to arc and got a couple sweaters. then went home and my mom was making papas rellenas. about thirty of them to bring in for "treat day" at the school she works at tomorrow for the teachers and staff.
then gabrel and me sung part of an aaron carter's song.
then i was weird and half watched wheel of fortune.

the end
or maybe the beginning

Life is precious. If you don't hold onto it it will soon be gone.
If you don't appreciate the little things, you'll live your life wondering what you did.
If you don't appreciate them you'll live your life in regret. Maybe I never appreciated the little things.

It's time. Do or die.
I'm choosing to do. I won't let this defeat us.
And yes it is
As the voices say I am very egotistical.
I didn't use to be like this I don't think.
Something went wrong.
I lost myself somewhere and I have to get it back.

I'm very selfish. I I I. Looking at my last posts from years back I've taken things for granted. I feel like an awful person.
I love my family so much even if I may not show it . Maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe then I'll learn.

Just

Read over some of my old blog posts from forever ago. So sad. No not even sad, just horribly depressing. That's the problem. I focus too much on the negative and on myself.
I think that's why I stopped writing.

You know the thing on my profile: "I can look through anyone but me." But maybe I'm looking where I'm not supposed to look. Maybe I should stop looking at myself and start looking at the world in its entirety. For it is a beautiful world. I'm just somebody small whos barely living in it after all.


Maybe this statement should make me feel sad . but it doesn't. In this moment it makes me feel calm.  I don't want to be big, I don't want to have power. I want to just be small. And let that be good enough.

11:25 P.M. at night
I'm laying in bed with my lights off about to go to sleep.
Gabrel knocks on my door.
Gabrel asks if i "have a small mirror"
I say 'i think i have a small one over on that wall.'
Gabrel takes my small mirror hanging up on my wall for his self portrait art project and leaves.

i fly through the drizzling rain and the mucky clouds in hopes that i'll find some light

i want a man like cameron mitchell or chris martin

only because they have such beautiful souls. (a coincidence that their first and last names start with the same letter? maybe not. maybe only the good men start with c's and m's)

someday i hope to find a kind hearted man. a true individual. whos not afraid of vulnerability

who will help me get through every day with a smile on my face

someone who can teach me how to dare , how to fly.. how to love.

where it ends

i hate my mom.
i hate her.
but i hate myself even more.

i just wanna die.

i dont deserve to be here anymore. i never did.

last straw

im so pissed off right now. REALLY REALLY pissed off.

i want to punch someone in the face. i want to yell and scream. i want to cuss at someone.

why? because i realized i'm not good at anything. and i can't take it anymore. and i hate the fact that i feel sorry for myself about that all the time. so instead of being sad, im going to channel that energy into anger. im going to toughen up and be a bitch. all my life ive been nice. too nice. so now its my time to be bad. i deserve it. and that means no more crying, no more whining. im going to do whatever i want whenever i want. im not gonna hold anything back anymore. im going to say how i feel and those who don't want to hear can suck it up

.. and the fish swam deep into the sea, as blue as can be

i want to go back to the year 1998, when i turned 7 years old.
and stay there

forever.

i don't want to be old i decided. i dont wanna grow up. i don't wanna be a teenager, i dont wanna be in my twenties, in my fourties, in my sixties
i want to be a kid.
just a kid.
an innocent,
naive,
lively,
kid.