i fly through the drizzling rain and the mucky clouds in hopes that i'll find some light

i want a man like cameron mitchell or chris martin

only because they have such beautiful souls. (a coincidence that their first and last names start with the same letter? maybe not. maybe only the good men start with c's and m's)

someday i hope to find a kind hearted man. a true individual. whos not afraid of vulnerability

who will help me get through every day with a smile on my face

someone who can teach me how to dare , how to fly.. how to love.

where it ends

i hate my mom.
i hate her.
but i hate myself even more.

i just wanna die.

i dont deserve to be here anymore. i never did.

last straw

im so pissed off right now. REALLY REALLY pissed off.

i want to punch someone in the face. i want to yell and scream. i want to cuss at someone.

why? because i realized i'm not good at anything. and i can't take it anymore. and i hate the fact that i feel sorry for myself about that all the time. so instead of being sad, im going to channel that energy into anger. im going to toughen up and be a bitch. all my life ive been nice. too nice. so now its my time to be bad. i deserve it. and that means no more crying, no more whining. im going to do whatever i want whenever i want. im not gonna hold anything back anymore. im going to say how i feel and those who don't want to hear can suck it up

.. and the fish swam deep into the sea, as blue as can be

i want to go back to the year 1998, when i turned 7 years old.
and stay there

forever.

i don't want to be old i decided. i dont wanna grow up. i don't wanna be a teenager, i dont wanna be in my twenties, in my fourties, in my sixties
i want to be a kid.
just a kid.
an innocent,
naive,
lively,
kid.

f this

life loses its beauty when it's on display for everyone to see.

i don't want everyone to know what my life is about through writing and photographs.

because these things only high light the parts of your life that you want to project, that you want to be, that you wish you were, but aren't. facebook underrates it, overates it. it doesn't do your life any justice.

and this isn't just facebook. its the whole media.

everyone's life should be seen for what it is: raw and real and unrefined

i don't want the art to be sucked out of my life, please.

because then it wouldn't be worth living

i'm a fish out of water most of the time

everybody's gotta learn sometime

it all makes sense. its all clear now

less is more

sometimes the best thing to do, is not let words seep out of your mouth.

sometimes its better to keep your feelings inside

and let it pass by

i dont feel very good.

i feel like im gonna pass out

i feel like im getting back to where i was

to that big black hole

im scared

soundtrack to my life by kid cudi.

thats me in a nutshell.

pretty much

city and colour

i'm crying.

and i dont know why

i feel

alone

i am

mentally and physically drained.

it all has finally caught up to me.

aggghhhhhhhhh

i dont know what to do. the worst feeling is the feeling of hopelessness.

that and getting your heart broken.

a floating thought

people shouldn't be scared to feel vulnerable.

by people i mean me

another also

i think im allergic to the brand of soap called "soft soap: soothing aloe vera"

the skin in between my fingers is peeling

ew

gross

yuck

ick

icky

ick

p.s.

its not that gross

im being a drama queen

as usual

!!!!! omg. my tummy hurts. but whatever.

i still feel a bit hungover.

i think i should seriously quit drinking for life.

but knowing me i wont last a week.

wow i sound like an alcoholic.

also,

i need to get back to my diet.

kinda hard though with the superbowl being today, and food being everywhere in sight. we're going to eat bbq ribs, hotdogs, the works. I already had tacos today, and my tummy hurts.

but who can pass up bbq?! not me. not i. sirrey.

its the sad truth

but seriously i have to start eating less and healthier. no more snacks at the cafe, no more chili cheese fries, no more coke or grilled cheese. i gotsta start gettin' serious.

also when i get home today i have to do math homework. and study a bit. i better follow through. hopefully this will help me to

isnt it weird how sometimes so many things happen by coincidence that you feel like there's absolutely such a thing as destiny? that there's such a thing as love, that there's undoubtedly a thing as God, that there's no denying anything anymore.

i feel that way now. i feel like God is trying to tell me something and it's so easy to see.

it's so easy to see, that i can't see it at all.

just because

if you add it all up,

i'd say i've spent at least half my life on a toilet

maybe im scared

i feel queasiness and butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. im trying to figure out what this means

bubbles burst, but i hope this one is impenetrable.

the words and sounds i hear make me wanna take them in all at once, sucking the life out of each and every one.

i feel like half my life is a dream.
and i'm scared of waking up

green light, red light? yellow light.

my brain says no, but my heart says go

what do i do, how do i know

a little bit of energy

green eyes makes me happy. because after hearing it, i know that there's at least one guy out there that feels that strongly towards a girl. it reminds me that not all is lost.

and it gives me hope that someday, someone might feel that way about me too

gabrel's quote.

"Why are you crying? You get to be here by yourself."

"and i believe this costume party is over, before it got started."