ooo wooo oo.
what happened? today was a day just like most of them. i probably won't remember in a couple days what happened today. unless i do this:

got up brushed my teef ate cereal zee ol raisin bran cept it had cranberries too and yogurt raisins and it wasn't called raisin bran. then went and had fast food what a bad bad decision. but hey sometimes i feel like a bad girl. i've been feeling that way a lot more recently. taking extra donuts at the super market for half the price. then i went to the cet meeting with my personal coach and we answered a couple homework questions like we will be doing for the next year i think. then i went to the library and rented a buncha movies music and magazines but no books ironically. then i came back home looked at a couple magazines boiled water for green beans went to the gym fell in love went to the grocery store pharmacy to get my synthroid and they said i had to pay and had no insurance so i went home again and ate ribs with my family.

right now im listening to lord huron.

i don't know but at least i know that i don't know.
that makes it better right? no, because i haven't done anything to change it.

today i went to see mallory my CET coach. she told me what i missed in tuesday's class.
then i went and got food at mcdonalds. i shouldn't have but i just couldn't resist.
thats probably why i'm fat. so there's a slight chance it could be because of something else.
anyway, then i went and met with julie, my therapist.
then i went to arc and got a couple sweaters. then went home and my mom was making papas rellenas. about thirty of them to bring in for "treat day" at the school she works at tomorrow for the teachers and staff.
then gabrel and me sung part of an aaron carter's song.
then i was weird and half watched wheel of fortune.

the end
or maybe the beginning

Life is precious. If you don't hold onto it it will soon be gone.
If you don't appreciate the little things, you'll live your life wondering what you did.
If you don't appreciate them you'll live your life in regret. Maybe I never appreciated the little things.

It's time. Do or die.
I'm choosing to do. I won't let this defeat us.
And yes it is
As the voices say I am very egotistical.
I didn't use to be like this I don't think.
Something went wrong.
I lost myself somewhere and I have to get it back.

I'm very selfish. I I I. Looking at my last posts from years back I've taken things for granted. I feel like an awful person.
I love my family so much even if I may not show it . Maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe then I'll learn.

Just

Read over some of my old blog posts from forever ago. So sad. No not even sad, just horribly depressing. That's the problem. I focus too much on the negative and on myself.
I think that's why I stopped writing.

You know the thing on my profile: "I can look through anyone but me." But maybe I'm looking where I'm not supposed to look. Maybe I should stop looking at myself and start looking at the world in its entirety. For it is a beautiful world. I'm just somebody small whos barely living in it after all.


Maybe this statement should make me feel sad . but it doesn't. In this moment it makes me feel calm.  I don't want to be big, I don't want to have power. I want to just be small. And let that be good enough.